I am tired. Last night as I laid here in bed not sleeping again, I made a promise to myself that I was going to let go. For my health, for my sanity, and for the sake of my husband and son I have to figure out a way to let go and move forward.
I have to stop clinging to the what if's. I have to let go of the fear and uncertainty. I need to figure out a way to let all of the joy and happiness in my life fight off this sadness that has crept in. Somehow I have to find the strength to understand that this is God's plan. Maybe I don't like it and maybe I don't understand it, but there is nothing I can do to change it. God doesn't make mistakes. In my head, I get all of this, but it feels like my heart is ignoring everything my head is saying.
As I wait for my sweet little boy to wake up this morning, I am making a vow that today I will let go. For him. I will enjoy every laugh. I will cherish every tantrum. I will kiss his sweet face and I will hold him tight. I will celebrate the miracle that he is. And when my husband comes home from work today I will thank him for this life we have because it is quite wonderful. I will tell him I love him. I will hold his hand and he will know that I've let go of some more of the sadness. Every day I'll let go a little more and I'll understand God's plan a little bit better.
But I will never forget.