Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Battle Scars

Peyton has a battle scar.  It's tiny.  So small that I often forget it's even there.  I notice it most when I'm giving him a bath, a small dot on his chest that's a little too pink and and feels funny.  It is so small that I had a hard time making it show up in this picture.  You might think it's just a speck of dust on your screen, but it's there.  Trust me. 
All of this will be a story we tell Peyton. 
I hope that scar reminds him how hard his little body had to fight to survive.  I hope that he battles through every obstacle he is yet to face.  He is so strong.  He is a fighter.  He fought hard to live.  The rest should be easy.  When nothing is going right, I want him to look at that scar and remember that the worst moment of his life is behind him.  I want that to be true.
My battle scar isn't so easy to see.  This little boy broke my heart into tiny little pieces.  I felt like I failed him.  I still feel like I failed him.  My job was to bring him into this world healthy and whole and I couldn't do that.  He is almost three months old and I still put my hand on his chest to be sure he's breathing.  I cry when he cries.  I hold him at night longer than I need to and whisper I'm sorry into his ear. 
I'm smart enough to logically understand that in a few years this will all be behind us.  Peyton will be big and strong and crazy like his big brother.  He'll say silly things.  He'll be a daredevil.  With time, my heart will heal.
And all that remains will be his tiny little scar.


  1. Oh Nicole, you have brought tears to my soul. I'm not sure what happened, but I do know that you did not fail him. There is just NO way!! I know that if there was anything else you could've done to avoid this YOU WOULD'VE DONE IT. And I know that now you are doing everything that you can do to fight for him and alongside him and your Sweet Jackson. Life is hard and it will never get easier, you will just get stronger!!

  2. He reminds me why life is a miracle! You can never fail when you get to be any part of a are the reason he's here at all. Don't you ever forget that

  3. Ditto to what Heidi and Amanda said. I know that sounds lame but I couldn't say it any better than they did and it is all so true


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